The Five Stages of Going Gluten-Free (Heal your grief and your gut)

Now that you've started your gluten-free journey, you may sense some mounting emotions roiling inside your digestional tract that are not caused by the allergy. They may be caused by feelings of injustice, sheer rage, blind terror, deep sadness, or a desire to fight the man who has been poisoning you for decades. If this is the case, use this key to identify which stage you are in and know that you are not alone.

Stage 1: Denial — I don't really need to go gluten-free.

I mean, c'mon. I've survived this long. Everyone probably has issues with chronic sinus infections, hair loss, exhaustion, insomnia, mood swings, digestion, thyroid, cortisol, brain fog, migraines, secondary infertility, acne, generalized pain, and fatigue that can't be diagnosed by a regular lab panel.

That's just living, right?

Everybody is tired all the time with never-ending diarrhea. Migraines are a normal part of the week! Don't tell me other people aren't nauseous 95% of the time.

It's probably a problem with the test. I mean, can you really learn that much about a person from a stool sample? I think not. If it's so effective, why haven't I heard of it before? Why isn't everyone doing it? This is all probably some big misunderstanding that couldn't possibly be true about me and a significant portion of the population.

Everyone runs to the bathroom after every meal, right?

Stage 2: Anger — I cannot believe I have to go [redacted ]gluten-free!

This is [redacted] ridiculous. I don't need this [redacted] in my life. I have enough to deal with. Like figuring out how to pay all these doctor's bills and remembering to eat, now apparently without joy. Now I have to learn a whole new menu? No [redacted] thank you.

This [redacted] [redacted] is going to make my life so [redacted][redacted] and I am so [redacted] furious that [redacted][redacted] made me even take this [redacted][redacted]test because now I know that if I only take [redacted] gluten out of my diet I won't feel so [redacted] sick all the time. Is this why no one in my family has a [redacted] thyroid anymore??!?!? How is that even related? What is the [redacted] food industry doing to us? How could I be this [redacted] old and no [redacted] doctor has figured this out yet?!

I'm so [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] angry!!!!!!!!

Stage 3: Bargaining — Let's make a deal about going gluten-free.

Maybe…maybe I can have a little bit. Or maybe…. if I stay away from gluten long enough, I could have it again in the future. Like no pizza for a month and then pizza for the rest of my life. Or — or, wait!

How about I give something else up, like, oh, I dunno…prunes? How about I give up prunes and plums and other weird food that I've never eaten anyway and I get to eat tasty things like pizza and crusty french bread and freshly baked muffins? Or. Or…hear me out.

How about instead of compromising on the food, I give up playing video games or Capoeira or competing in the Olympics? Or maybe something else that won't affect me in any way, like cross-fit, cross-stitch, or cross-country running. How about I give up long-distance running — marathons — I'll give up marathons forever and I get to have cookies and cake.

It'll be like a really lame Lent offering, but I will get to eat readily available mass-produced foods without consequence.

Win-win.

Stage 4: Depression — There is no happiness without gluten.

What's the point?

The world is void of joy and possibility.

The bread was a joy. It was all that was good and true and real in the world. Hardened, crusty exterior; soft warm doughy interior.

Much like myself.

Remember warm baguettes fresh from the French cafe? Sipping café au lait and smoking cigarettes while pondering the meaning of life? No more.

No more existential wonderings while gnawing on bits of bread and cheese. Pan au chocolate? It's like I have to avoid everything French and meaningful. Remember almond croissants? Light and flaky and buttery? The consistency of angel tears cut from clouds. Have you ever tried to bake gluten-free? The density is brick. Do you want to eat brick or cloud tears? I rest my case.

How do I even eat a meal now? What do people eat other than bread? Salads? Are salads a meal?

Soup?

I guess I'll just never eat again.

Life has no meaning anyway.

Approximately one month later…

Stage 5: Acceptance — The thing I cannot change and all that…

You know what? It will be okay.

There are lots of alternatives out there today. There are even little "GF's" next to menu items.

And you know what? I actually feel better. I didn't know people lived without migraines and digestive misery! And — and I feel like I have more energy like that whole "you are what you eat" notion makes sense for the first time in my life.

The clouds have lifted, the fog has dispersed, the proverbial waters have parted, and I am on the road to healing and wellness and — dare I say — joy?

It's like I've gained extrasensory perception. Did I realize the entire food industry was poisoning us for decades? No. But now I see it. I see it all. I'm not paranoid. I'm simply able to think clearly.

Let's question all the systems now!

Why did wheat become so prevalent in the first place? Cause it could be farmed and stored and taxed? Why is anything in the grocery store? Because it's "good for you" or because it can be sold? What are "gushers" made from? Sugar and sadness? Does candy have any nutritional value? Have you read Salt, Sugar, Fat yet?

And let's not stop at food! Did you know that microplastics are involved in heart disease? We have plastic in our bodies now and we aren't mannequins! And how about that the surgeon general thinks that social media is an urgent public health issue?

How had I not seen it all before? It must be the purified Berkey water and the clear head and the newfound energy and the excess nutrients my body can now absorb as a result of all this gut healing! And exclamation points! I can use exclamation points now with abandon!

Wow, maybe gluten is the way the man is keeping us down. Keep the masses sick addicted and exhausted and we will never rise up against the systems that oppress us!

Is fluoride good or bad for you? I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure plastic is the work of the devil. And now that I'm gluten-free, I've got all the energy and focus and clarity and harnessed rage against the monolith to figure it out!

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